While reading through the posted articles at http://alt.fbi.gov, I found an interesting posting:

Chicago, IL (AP)-Chicago’s mob boss [whom we will call “Joe” to protect the guilty] admitted Thursday morning to having been involved in the Cub-napping that allowed the Chicago Cubs to play the second worst start ever in major-league baseball behind the 1884 Detroit team. “Joe” later denied all knowledge.

According to his alleged confession, he is reported to have received a phone call late on March 31, the night before the Cubs’ regular season began. He was told to lure all the Cubs players, even the Great Ryno, to Wrigley Field.

“Joe” knew the easiest way to get all the Cubs down to Wrigley Field. He would call a fake press conference to an-nounce the hiring of a new manager. The players would not suspect a thing because the organization usually hires a new manager every year.

“I suspected nothing,” first baseman Mark Grace said, “Riggleman had managed a good few years and it was un-likely for any manager in the Cubs organization to last more than one season let alone three.”

All the players showed up at the press room inside the Friendly Confines at seven in the morning to meet their new manager hours before the first game of the season. Instead of being met by the press, they were met by “Joe” and his boys. They were then told to gather some bats and other equipment, and headed out to the field in confusion.

“We went to the field in confusion,” right fielder Sammy Sosa said. “We didn’t have time to eat, so we bribed one of the goons to go and get food from the McDonald’s across the street”

The players then waited on the field, eating their Egg McMuffins, still confused. “We were confused. Mark [Grace] and I didn’t know what to think,” the Cubs nine time Golden Glove winner, All Star second baseman Ryne Sandberg, stated. “But then over the scoreboard, we saw it. It was like out of Independence Day.”

According to the ball players and “Joe,” a large, glowing cloud appeared and descended onto the infield. As if there already was not enough confusion, there was definitely a lot more confusion now, which led to even more confusion. The FBI later explained it was a hallucination created by the Egg McMuffins. The pig slaughtered for the Canadian bacon wasn’t really a Canadian pig. It had been exposed to low radiation from a secret government toxic and nuclear dump near Renick, Iowa. The FBI later denied existence of the dump.

One occupant of the “Space Ship” greeted the ball players and explained he was a coach of a ball team on the planet we call X-917548327438473637492738273937, but they call Egon. X-917548327438473637492738273937 is located ninety light years away. He needed ringers to play in their Guadupalian World Series, the equivalent of our College World Series. The planet had just received radio transmissions from Earth claiming that the Cubs had just won their second World Series in a row. Since they’d won, the coach thought they would be good ringers for his team.

The FBI checked out this information and found out that indeed the Cubs did win two World Series back to back. They explained that the planet, being ninety light years away, was informed of 90-year-old news from when the Cubs won their last World Series back to back in 1907 and 1908. The FBI later denied that the Cubs had ever won the World Series.

Since there was no time to pick up the New York Yan-kees, the space ship took the Cubs to planet X-917548327438473637492738273937 leaving behind the Guadupalian students. The students then assumed the players’ forms and played in their place.

Now that the three-week long Guadupalian Series was over, the Cubs returned to Earth undefeated from planet X-917548327438473637492738273937 in time to play the second game of a double header against the New York Mets last Sunday, which they won.

The students left the Cubs with a winning average of .000 and a 0-14 record [END OF POSTING]

Interesting, huh? As I said, there was a perfectly logical explanation as to why the Cubs were losing. For your information, the Cubs are 3 and 3 since their return from X-917548327438473637492738273937. Including their first 14 losses, they now have a winning percentage of .150.

About Chad Leigh Kluck

Chad Leigh Kluck
I am the author of the book I Think Therefore I Am, A Collection of My Thoughts (2000). I don't write humor and fiction as much as I used to, but I still remain active online writing about technology, DIY projects, railroads, and history. More...

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