So on the night of the 24th some fat guy in a red suit is supposed to break into millions of homes by squeezing through a chimney that at most is two feet wide and at least two inches. Oh, he is supposed to walk on an icy roof with a sack full of toys and keep his balance. By the way, how does he keep the toys from breaking as he shoves them through the little two-inch vent?

What about common courtesy? This guy has been walking through the reindeer stalls, no doubt stepping in… stuff, and here he is entering the house and walking around on the nice carpet. The least he could do is enter through the door and wipe his feet on the doormat.

He also leaves lumps of coal (which should go to the poor families with no heating fuel) in the stockings for the bad kids. Now come on. Who is he punishing? The kids or their mothers who have to wash the socks and get them their whitest? Not to mention the guy is pretty discriminatory also. Non-Christians can’t find themselves on neither his good nor bad list.

I’m sorry, maybe I’m just missing the point. Here is a guy who is willing to take time from his family on one of the most famliest times of the year and give presents to millions of kids. This proves two things:

  1. He has many relatives and wants out of the house for many hours
  2. He has lots of money

But then maybe the latter isn’t true. He may not be as much of a saint as he is thought to be. Ever lose a toy? How do we know that he isn’t just taking toys from kids and giving them to others? That would be nice to do and it would truly be a “gift exchange.” Break into Uncle Fred’s house, take his chain saw, leave him Uncle Charlie’s socket set, give Uncle Charlie Uncle Bob’s gun case, give Uncle Bob Aunt Sue’s genuine American-made oriental knife set, and give Aunt Sue Uncle Fred’s chainsaw. Wait, Aunt Sue and Uncle Fred are married and the knife set is evidence in an ongoing investi–I’ll figure my gift exchange later.

Well, with all of this dirt and queries about good of “Saint” Nick, I think I made his black list. That’s another thing, I don’t agree with what some of my friends and family members have done in the past year, but they still receive gifts from me. Come on, it’s Christmas. Goodwill to all our fellow people, forgive, forget, love, give, and cherish the moments.

I’d love to stay and tell you more about this guy who demands offerings of milk and cookies so he won’t string up your pets, but I’ve got to get to a barbecue. I’m supplying the fuel. (Yes, I know it’s winter, but my friends and I have barbecued through snowstorms.) Oh, and by the way, in case you were wondering, of course I believe in Santa. Who else would give me the twenty-pound bag of coal for my barbecue? One suggestion for you mothers out there: leave the coal in the socks. The cotton gives the burgers a nice flavor, and besides, the socks are ruined anyway.

About Chad Leigh Kluck

Chad Leigh Kluck
I am the author of the book I Think Therefore I Am, A Collection of My Thoughts (2000). I don't write humor and fiction as much as I used to, but I still remain active online writing about technology, DIY projects, railroads, and history. More...

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