Cyber Bumper Stickers

By Chad Leigh Kluck on

Perhaps one of the most frustrating things in cyber space are the cyber citizens who use stupid signatures at the end of their e-mails. Perhaps the second most frustrating thing in cyber space is the stupid use of the word "cyber," i.e., cyber bumper stickers and cyber citizen a.k.a. netizen. To me the e-mail signature is the modern day bumper sticker. Some are funny, some are not funny, and some are too stupid to be funny. Today I will do something daring, I will mock those with stupid signatures and I will offer some suggestions.

First, let's start with the bad. I have a soft spot for trains, so the bumper sticker that says, "My other vehicle is a locomotive," I kind of like, but I'm sure other more minded peo­ple, such as yourself, don't find it interesting. Well, don't let me insult you unless you have this signature: "My other computer is a Mac." That is just plain sick. Another sick one is: "Love is for the people who cannot afford to buy happi­ness--Grant." Obviously this "Grant" has a problem, espe­cially if he would also dare to use "My other computer is a Mac." For "Grant" I suggest a quote from the television se­ries The Simpsons: "Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece--Lisa Simpson." Everybody loves "The Simpsons" and this quote isn't as drastic as the previous.

There is that one bumper sticker that gets some people in a bunch because it swears. We do not need to swear here, but a healthy alternative for a cyber bumper sticker is "Clicks Happen." Now let me explain before you think that this is a cheap joke. It's two o'clock in the morning and you just finished typing the document to end all documents. You are quite tired and you go to exit the word processor. The computer beeps (or in my case plays the "Seinfeld" theme) and asks you if you would like to save changes. In a slumber, you click "No" and then, after you realize what you have done, scream, "CLICK!" There are numerous other clicks on the computer that cause you to pull your hair and bang your head that split second after you let up on that mouse button. You may delete your hard drive, send an e­-mail you soon regret, or click too short on your golf swing. Hey, "Clicks Happen."

Another alternative is to use a quote. Many people put down their own philosophies, which actually amount to well, click. Some quotes, on the other hand, are great. There are many intelligent minds that do not put down the first thought they get on a subject but think a quote out for days. Here are a few examples:

  • If life were fair, no one would prove themselves--A Great Guy
  • If you did not earn something, it is not worth having--A Great Guy
  • College: Another day, another paper, another prayer--A Great Guy
  • THINK--Thomas J. Watson, Sr., President IBM 1915-1956
  • Laughter is the shortest distance between two peo­ple--Victor Barge, comic pianist

These are great quotes from great people, a Great Guy, the president of International Business Machines, and a comedian. Quotes can brighten up days and even e-mails. One suggestion: if the e-mail deals with a tragic loss, i.e., a loved one, a friend, a great figure, or the document to end all docu­ments, do not use: "SMILE!--Hank the Clown." A serious quote would be more appropriate, perhaps a Bible verse: Psalm 6:5--a psalm of David.

If you still want more quotes, there are various quote books at the nearest Barnes and Noble. These books contain quotes that are appropriate for any occasion. As mentioned above, it is crucial to fit the quote with the e-mail subject. Here are some examples: tough times (lost job), happy times (BBQ at my house), festive times (I'm a godfather!), threat­ening times (an offer you can't refuse), humorous times (My Thoughts), stressful times (Help! I just clicked my mouse and deleted my term paper!), and sorry times (I'm sorry for ruining your carpet). These books have quotes for everything from anyone.

Remember that you do not have to buy a book to come up with quotes. I am sure you are an intelligent, bright, inspired individual who is capable of thinking for him or her­self. You should be able to come up with the best possible quote by yourself just by looking on the Internet, there are various sites in cyber space devoted to helping cyber citi­zens come up with cyber bumper stickers and quotes. The list of quotes and sites is endless and just one cyber click away.

I hope I have helped you come up with the best fitting signature for your e-mail. It is not easy, but together we can make reading other people's signatures more enjoyable. I feel I have done a service by cleaning up the most neglected part of e-mails and so there is nothing more for me to say but leave you with the glory of my own signature.