I will soon be entering a new profession. Records. Not only records but CDs, tapes, and 8-Tracks. I hope to make it big in my new profession since I have great ideas for soothing sounds. Remember, these are just preliminary ideas so don’t be surprised when you do not see “Chad’s Best to You at Christmas” in stores anytime soon. (One reason is I am changing my name to “The Artist Formerly Known As Chad” or Raul for short.)

First off, my meditation line of tapes. Soothing repro­ductions of noises found in our society on tape just so you can meditate while the sounds bring you inner peace so you can be one with everything, or nirvana. Now I live close to an airport and I find the sounds of low flying jets soothing. (Sometimes they are so low I can actually see the passen­gers. They look like ants up there.) Imagine, meditating to the sounds of 747s and DC9s recorded with digital surround sound. (Or as the ’70s had it called: quadraphonic.) Turn up the bass and you can also receive a massage.

Other meditation tapes: “Slaughter House,” “Radio Static,” “Construction Site,” “Steel Mill,” “Lumber Yard” (comes with a free piece of cedar wood incense), “Cat Fight,” and the double CD/Tape/LP/8-Track “Rush Hour on I-80” and “Rush Hour in Downtown Chicago.”

I’m also thinking about creating a sleep aid tape on which I count sheep. “One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four sheep, five sheep, six sheep, seven sheep….” My monotone voice would be a natural sleep aid. I can also use it subliminally to take over the world. But that is just be­tween you and me.

I also have my own compi­lation of twelve symphonies of silence. Twelve tapes or LPs with beautiful symphonies made especially for the deaf. Imagine listening to the sound of silence twelve times! Great favorites like: Symphony #1, Symphony #2, Sym­phony #3, Symphony #4, Symphony #5, Symphony #6, Sym­phony #7, Symphony #8, Symphony #9, Symphony #10, Symphony #11, and the delightful Symphony #12.

Plus a book on tape idea. “‘I Think Therefore I Am, A Collection of My Thoughts‘ read by Mr. T.” This audio book will feature my witty thoughts which I have compiled into a book and now hopefully on tape.

Seinfeld was the show about nothing and here is the tape about nothing. In a series of tapes you will be able to lis­ten along as I attend class, do my laundry, crack jokes at the dinner table, read a book, and take my trips to the bank cashing my big checks that fools send me for my LPs, CDs, tapes, and 8-Tracks.

Inspirational tapes will have me saying such state­ments as: “You can do it!” and “There is always next time.” Weight loss tapes will include: “Maggots, rotten meat, as­paragus, tape worms….” Also included in the weight loss tape will be: “Please turn tape over to side two” followed by “Please turn tape to side one” providing exercise. (CDs and records will be slightly modified.)

For those who look for backward messages in recorded media I have a whole line of Backwards Recorded Media®. Every item mentioned earlier will be backwards on your choice of CD, Tape, LP, or 8-Track. You will be able to listen for sounds that you can make into phases such as “I am Raul,” “Raul is dead.” Act IV Scene 1 of Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing” can also be found in its en­tirety and in old English on the inspirational tapes.

If you would like one of my tapes, CDs, 8-Tracks, or LPs, please call 1-900-555-RAUL to order. Prices vary but shipping and handling is $17 per item. Or send check or money order to “Raul, The Artist Formerly Known as Chad.” No CODs. Please allow six to eight weeks for ship­ment. Get them before Christmas!

About Chad Leigh Kluck

Chad Leigh Kluck
I am the author of the book I Think Therefore I Am, A Collection of My Thoughts (2000). I don't write humor and fiction as much as I used to, but I still remain active online writing about technology, DIY projects, railroads, and history. More...

I enjoy comments and feedback. Let me know if you have anything to share with me like stories, pictures, or other media. You can also contact me directly via the contact form. I'd love to hear from you!

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