It has been a while since I’ve come forth with a conspiracy theory, so I figure it is due time I come forth with a conspiracy theory. Upon coming forth with my conspiracy theory, I must remind you that these conspiracy theories that I come forth with can be exaggerated. This means that these con­spiracy theories that I am coming forth with are not to be taken at face value. Which, to any government official or Bill Gates, both herein referred to as “Big Brother,” who may be reading this, “I whole heartedly do not believe any of what I am coming forth with.” To any non-Big Brother affiliates, I say, “Delete this as soon as you get it before Big Brother does.”

The conspiracy that I will come forth with today is re­ferred to as “Big Brother.” I did not have a big brother while growing up, but since I, myself, was a big brother, let me tell you how the conspiracy works. First off, as a big brother, I had to watch over my little sister. Make sure she did not get into trouble and have her pay up when she did. Big Brother is the same way. Except more bully than I was.

Through the use of cameras, microphones, computers, satellites, and robotic insects with cameras, microphones, computers, satellites, and smaller robotic insects attached to them with cameras, microphones, etc., Big Brother can see what you do. Who is Big Brother? Anyone can be a big brother. Many big cities with television stations have “City Cams.” These are cameras around the city on busy streets so they can monitor, and show on television, how jammed the expressway is. Another Big Brother gadget is radar that takes your picture if you are driving too fast or run a red light. The picture records your license plate and a warning is sent to your home.

So Big Brother can be television stations, the police, and the Peeping Tom from next door. But what about larger issues? Is there a reason why smoke detectors are pushed so hard when chances are that you will not have a fire? Is there such a big reason why the fire department puts out such a big campaign as “When you set your clocks back for day­light savings time, change your batteries for your smoke alarm”? They want to make sure you change the batteries for them so they can monitor your every move. Think about it, what really drains the smoke detector battery? Miniature cameras or an alarm that never sounds? They also recom­mend a smoke detector for every room.

It is an unqualified theory of mine that asbestos is not cancer-causing but Big-Brother-impairing. The reason the government (who is the real mastermind behind the asbes­tos removing and Microsoft is behind the government) wants to rid buildings of asbestos is because the asbestos in­terferes with the satellite transmissions. (I was told at one time that satellites could read Titleist, (and only the brand name Titleist, but not Topflite, Pinnacle, or Ultra) on a golf ball and can also read license plates on cars parked vertical to the ground.) If you are in a building with asbestos, satel­lites can neither see you nor implant thoughts in your mind. This is why a satellite has such an easy time reading license plates on vertical parking violations but has such a difficult time locating terrorist groups. The terrorist forces do not re­move the asbestos from their buildings but do remove the li­cense plates on the cars they park vertically.

Employees are not safe from Big Brother either. Through the use of cameras, about the size of lipstick canis­ters, some hotels are able to offer video recordings of a cus­tomer’s room. This camera is hidden in the room and can catch maids going through the customer’s bags and stealing stuff. Not only can the hotel manager keep track of his em­ployees, but he also has something to put on the Internet during the customer’s stay.

That’s right, he can put a virus on the Internet while he is working at the hotel. He may get in trouble because some places monitor employee’s use of the computers. This keeps the employees working on reservations instead of playing on the Internet and even games. In fact, the Nebraska legis­lature (which is unicameral) ordered all solitaire games re­moved from state computers. This may crash the system, though, since like the Internet Explorer browser, solitaire is “inte­grated” into the Windows 9x operating system. Translation: remove the cornerstone from a weak, bug-infested building and see what happens.

Big Brother can expose addictions, and it is only a matter of time before my addiction gets me in trouble. Many times, late at night, while I lie in my bed, I hear my computer calling me. “Chad,” comes a whisper. “Chad, come play.” I try to resist the urges, but I am too weak. I get out of my bed, and I go to my computer, I slowly move the mouse to the game folder and open Solitaire. One game of Vegas style, three-card draw, money-scoring game of solitaire won’t hurt, I think. Soon I am under $200. I need to win it back, so I play again and again, each time losing more digital dough.

The hours pass and the debt builds. Soon I receive an email from goon@microsoft.com stating that I must pay up–or else. You see, the litigation over Microsoft’s browser and operating system is just a smoke screen. Bill Gates does not control the Internet. He controls gambling. Every Windows computer, whether it is Windows 3.1 or 9x, or NT, has the game solitaire. Bill knows how much you have lost to his game. Big Brother is coming to collect. Tell the world my story.

About Chad Leigh Kluck

Chad Leigh Kluck
I am the author of the book I Think Therefore I Am, A Collection of My Thoughts (2000). I don't write humor and fiction as much as I used to, but I still remain active online writing about technology, DIY projects, railroads, and history. More...

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