Public Displays

By Chad Leigh Kluck on

Call me old fashioned, but I am one who strives for decency. If it is not in the bath or Sistine Chapel, it must have clothes on. I, am, of course talking about art and human decency. Where is the fine line between art and smut? To me, if some­thing is in a holy place, like a chapel, it was not meant to be provocative. If it is outside of a holy place, say in a museum or on a university campus, it should be wearing clothes. One fine example on my campus is metal sculpture I pass every day called Evolution of Woman.

Now, though I talk about art quite a bit (I think I counted half a dozen articles within the past year dealing with art), I am not one with an artistic eye. I can look at an animation cell from the long-running television show "The Simpsons" and tell you about what year it was made, but I am not a renaissance man. I am more or less a whacked-out Simpsons' fan because I can name an episode by only seeing two seconds of it. (Once while someone was talking to me, I was deeply involved in watching an episode. I, of course, ig­nored them until they turned off the television. Once the tube was off, I closed my eyes and played the rest of the epi­sode out in my head. When they proceeded to talk, I said the lines out loud. Though I can't do the character voices, or any voice for that matter, not even my own, I think they got the point. (Here's some more commas just for fun,,,,,,,,,,))

Where was I? Universe, local galaxy cluster, Milky Way, Solar System, Earth, South Am-I mean North Amer­ica, United States, Minnesota, Saint Paul, University of St. Thomas Campus, standing by the Evolution of Woman, corn­mending those who put the bra on the naked, steel body of the sculpture.

Let us talk about other public displays. Holding of hands and kissing. Not in my sight! I don't care if you are married, about to get married, dating, about to date, escort­ing, but no public displays of affection! I don't care if you are male, female, or squirrel, PLEASE DO NOT DISPLAY AFFECTION PUBLICLY. If it were not for a student on my college campus, I would never have been alerted to the fol­lowing display squirrels give on our college campuses, or even parks. Possibly even your own back yard. Here is his story (slightly censored):

It was a fine Friday evening as three companions and I were walking back from a fine dining experience at the cafeteria. We were joking around, talking about St. Thomas Aquina's Summa Theologies and Revelation, as we usually do, when, we came across two squirrels.

These squirrels were not stuffed but very lively. What I am about to type and what you are about to read and/or hear scarred my posse and me for the rest of our lives. As we were passing a campus dorm, one of my friends looked at a tree and said slowly, "Oh, my God." The rest of us looked to­wards the tree and were horrified and sickened. There, on the bark of the tree were two squirrels showing their affec­tion to each other. He screamed, "Get a hole!" But they kept loving each other.

I had come a long way with my therapist until yester­day when I was working. My fingers were tired of typing, so I leaned back in my swivel chair. The ladies were in their of­fice talking like they usually do, and someone had just gone to the fridge outside my cubicle and started popcorn in the microwave. I looked out the window from my second floor office at a tree and saw two squirrels. They too, were show­ing their love RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!!!

I used to like the little furry things. When a friend moved to ban pictures of furry, stuffed animals from a cam­pus paper, I started the SOS (Save Our Squirrels) and posted the pictures on my door weekly. After a while, when I could not keep up clipping all the cute furry things out of my St. Thomas Bulletin, I found the subject tiresome. Now, as I see them expressing their free love throughout campus, I have to say, "Eck."

Free love among squirrels is not a good thing and I think we should ban them from campus and other public places until they decide to be civil. We must stop this prob­lem. Join SOS today!

-LMK (Founder of SOS)

I could not have said it better myself.