Exorcise Your Computer

By Chad Leigh Kluck on

According to some sort of report given by some sort of prestigious newspaper, 25% of the computers in the United States have been physically abused by their users.  I find this alarming.  Anyone who has dealt with a computer knows that the inanimate box sometimes seems out to get the user by deleting or corrupting important files such as school reports or job résumés.  This could be true, but we need to realize that it is not the computer’s fault that it is a child of Satan.  You can’t change who your creator was.

Here’s my theory if you want to hear it (you really have no choice): Computers are Satan’s boxes.  The proof is right there on the blueberry, grape, or even lime colored iMacs.  Read the book of Genesis in the Bible and then take a look at the Apple logo and you will know what I mean.  Do you see it?  If not, let me take you through it.  The Apple logo with a bite in it represents the bite Eve took out of the apple from the tree of wisdom.  (Actually the Bible does not mention an apple specifically — it uses the word fruit — but tradition says it was an apple.)

Think about it.  The fruit was from the tree of wisdom.  Computers are smart.  Satan, or rather the snake, tempted Eve to take a bite from the apple.  Apple Computers tempt us to use them to do our taxes, exchange ideas, and become knowledgeable.  Scary huh?

Where does Bill Gates tie into this?  He is just an accessory, a front used to divert attention from the real problem.  As long as people believe that he is the root of evil rather than Apple Computers they can fight him with anti-trust lawsuits while the real evil lurks around in cyberspace unnoticed.  If Bill Gates is eliminated from the computer scene, Satan Computers will just create another one.  It is much like the dandelion: there is a large root there that we don’t see and we can’t just chop off only what is visible to us, we need to dig deeper and get down to the bottom of it.

Need more proof?  The names Apple and Satan both have five letters, two of which repeat.  Plus they have a the letter “A” in common.  That’s all the proof I need along with the Apple logo to believe in the conspiracy.

What scares me is that there is a cult of Macintosh users out there who don’t care what ugly colors and ergonomically incorrect keyboards and mice their unruly machines come with, just as long as they have a computer crafted by Satan in front of them.  I see the real reason now why Apple went from the conformist beige to the plethora of fruity colors.  They did this to show that there is no stopping them and I’m sure it was a power trip for them to watch people buy the ugly things.  It was at that point they knew they could someday put elephant dung into a box, slap an Apple logo on it, and sell it for thousands of dollars to people who wanted some sort of computation device. (To steal a paraphrase from Tommy Boy)

Microsoft doesn’t have that kind of power.  Instead they have the power of “but-what-are-you-going-to-do?”  Everyone hates using Microsoft programs but they use them anyway because there is no choice, and admittedly they work the best compared to other products out there — for the most part.  About the only program that works properly in Windows is Solitaire, “but what are you going to do?”  I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’m going to take my message to Broadway.

Here is a short excerpt from the musical I’ve been writing on the subject.  The title of the musical is “Exorcise Your Computer!”  I’m going to see if Patrick Stewart is interested in playing the lead character Victor, a televangelist who is on a crusade against demonized computers.  Here is a scene:

[Curtain rises.  Lights on.  The scene is an office.  COMPUTER USER 1 and COMPUTER USER 2 are at the water cooler.  COMPUTER USER 1 is drawing water into his cup and takes sips during the conversation.]

COMPUTER USER 1: My computer crashed again.

COMPUTER USER 2: What were you doing?

COMPUTER USER 1: I tried opening my Microsoft Word program so I could do some typing.

COMPUTER USER 2: You should know better than that.

COMPUTER USER 1: Yeah, but what can you do?

COMPUTER USER 2: [With a demonic voice.] Buy an Apple Computer.

COMPUTER USER 1: [Throws his water on COMPUTER USER 2 and makes sign of cross with fingers.] Be gone Satan!

[COMPUTER USER 2 explodes in a puff of smoke.  VICTOR enters with his evangelical choir entourage.  Musical number “Be Gone Satan” begins.]

I think it will win a Tony.